Pat Litowitz
and Lisa Micco
Happy days are here again
Watch the Bush twins guzzle gin
As Bill Clinton lives in sin
Happy days are here again
Everyone shout “Michael Moore’s a louse!”
He wants George Dubya out of the House
See Teresa Heinz kick her spouse
Happy days are here again
•
A show of hands, please. How many of you will be voting in order to avoid pollsters, campaign commercials and Teresa Heinz Kerry?
Just what we thought. Pretty much everyone.
So join us in endorsing this message — “GO AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE!”
Thank goodness Election Day is near. Seems like everyone is getting testy.
Issues such as the war in Iraq, the economy, terrorism, abortion and gay rights are creating a whirlwind of activism. Everyone wants to have their say, including New Castle News editors Pat Litowitz and Lisa Micco.
Rallying the masses with their “Hey, Is It Time to Eat?” platform, our electorally challenged duo urge everyone to vote on Tuesday. Too bad they won’t be handing out cans of Cheese Whiz and Ho-Hos at the polls.
Join Pat and Lisa as they discuss “Cash and Kerry — Register Eight” or “Welcome to the Bush Leagues.”
LITOWITZ: Did you know the New Castle News was a part of the liberal media?
MICCO: I must have missed that meeting.
LITOWITZ: Well, it was for upper management only. That’s why you didn’t get an invite.
MICCO: And how do you qualify as upper management? Please tell me it has nothing to do with butt kissing.
LITOWITZ: How else does one work one’s way up the corporate ladder?
MICCO: And yet I’m not surprised.
LITOWITZ: But seriously, our readers have this impression The News is a Democrat-leaning newspaper that hates Republicans. Rumor has it that the New York Times and Washington Post tell us whom to support. I wish that were the case.
MICCO: I was always told that The News’ editorial board reviews the candidates and issues at hand. They painstakingly discuss the merits of each person and come up with an educated decision. Finally, an editorial declaring The News’ choice for that elected position is presented to the readers.
LITOWITZ: You’re joking, right?
MICCO: How else do you pick a candidate?
LITOWITZ: Pixie dust — and lots of it. You see, The News has this super-secret group known as the Coalition of Liberals Espousing Socialism, Loathing and Whining. COLESLAW, for short.
MICCO: Couldn’t you pick a more appealing acronym? Such as CHOCOLATE.
LITOWITZ: Can’t use that one. The Cordoroy-Hating Organization Championing Oriental Lingerie and Tight Eveningwear claimed it first.
MICCO: Whatever.
LITOWITZ: So, I’m under the impression that COLESLAW meets in a smoky back room with plenty of alcohol served. Boy, was I wrong. It was a 10-minute meeting in the men’s room. The News policy forbids smoking and boozing on company time. And there was this environmentalist in the group who kept whining about clean air. Talk about being disillusioned.
MICCO: Well, you were in a restroom. I guess the world of politics was too much for you. So, how do you pick a candidate?
LITOWITZ: I was kidding about the pixie dust. We actually used a Magic 8 Ball. I kept asking it, “Will George W. be re-elected as president?” The ball responded, “Ask Again Later.” After getting the same answer 10 times in a row, we decided to go with Kerry.
MICCO: You should’ve tried a Ouija board.
LITOWITZ: News company policy prohibits the use of a spiritual medium. Besides, we used all the money in petty cash for the Magic 8 Ball.
MICCO: Speaking of cash, what is up with all these television ads? It’s pretty bad when Viagra commercials take a back seat to political propaganda.
LITOWITZ: And you thought Viagra was long lasting.
MICCO: I can’t wait until Election Day is over. These TV and radio ads are such a turn-off. Like I want to see two grown men smack each other.
LITOWITZ: First off, Teresa Heinz Kerry in a two-piece bathing suit is a turn-off. Dick Cheney in a Speedo is disgusting. These commercials are just irritating. As an aside, the Bush twins are hot. And that’s what I’m basing my vote on.
MICCO: Glad to see you put great thought into your choice and you’re voting on the issues.
LITOWITZ: Be honest, what’s the difference between Bush and Kerry? They’re both rich, white and powerful.
MICCO: Yes, but one can speak in complete sentences.
LITOWITZ: When you have money, why waste your time on words? I take that back — there is a difference between Bush and Kerry. Bush doesn’t mind being wealthy, while Kerry feels guilty about it.
MICCO: They’re both out of touch with the common folk. That’s why they keep coming back to Ohio and Pennsylvania — to shoot their guns, eat at roadside diners and feel our pain. For once, I’d like to see a candidate who earned his degree at a state university, didn’t have a trust fund and drives a rusted-out Cavalier.
LITOWITZ: So, you want to elect me? I feel honored.
MICCO: Actually, I was thinking about voting for Joe Walsh. He did run for president in 1980 and promised “free gas for everyone.” With gas prices hovering at $2 a gallon, he’s got my vote.
LITOWITZ: My name is Pat Litowitz and I approve of this column.
MICCO: My name is Lisa Micco. I don’t.
Copyright (c) 2004, New Castle News
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Monday, October 18, 2004
HE SAID, SHE SAID: County officials begin Halloween festivities
Pat Litowitz
and Lisa Micco
The fine folks at the Lawrence County Government Center seem to be celebrating Halloween a little earlier than usual. Three crazed men roam the halls wielding budget axes. Then there’s that skeleton in the closet, “Bare Bones,” threatening to take away jobs.
Mystic Mary Ann haunts the lower level of the center. “The future is uncertain! The future is uncertain!” she screams.
And, finally, the treasurer’s office is home to The Invisible Man, who shows himself only to the department’s solicitor.
Did we mention the Felasco Fiasco Budget Exhibit? It’s for mature audiences only.
Yes, all very frightening indeed.
Oh, but wait, no one’s passing out treats. The mood is anything but festive. Alas, gloom and doom are the order of the day.
Then again, a $1 million-plus deficit will do that to you. As the county scraps for money, the commissioners are warning that layoffs will take place.
“I think we need to reduce the number of people in the courthouse permanently,” Commissioner Ed Fosnaught says.
If you’re looking for a miracle, remember Christmas is around the corner.
Speaking of a scary sight and things that go bump in the night, let’s introduce you to New Castle News editors Pat Litowitz and Lisa Micco, who need no masks to scare the masses. Join our hellacious pair as they discuss “Trick or Treat! You’re Fired!” or “Red Rover! Red Rover! Send a Million Dollars Right Over!”
LITOWITZ: Do I look fat?
MICCO: What are you talking about?
LITOWITZ: I was thinking of going on the County Diet Plan. It’s where you say you’re going to lose weight, feel good about yourself, but don’t actually have to diet.
MICCO: Oooo. Where do I sign up? Sounds like my kind of diet.
LITOWITZ: Just don’t give your money to the treasurer’s department. God only knows where it goes. Actually, He doesn’t know either. Keeps muttering something about the bowels of Hell.
MICCO: Doesn’t the county have to account for its money?
(Burst of laughter ensues.)
LITOWITZ (wiping tears from eyes): Stop it! Stop it! I can’t breathe!
MICCO: Oh, wait! How about providing matching funds for county projects? You know, Millennium Park.
LITOWITZ: Yeah, Lawrence County is the only place where you can lose $11 million in funding and call it a good thing.
MICCO: Doesn’t Martha Stewart say that? And look where she is.
LITOWITZ: Wampum?
MICCO: No, in prison.
LITOWITZ: Like I said, Wampum.
MICCO: She’s in minimum security. Wouldn’t Wampum be considered maximum? By the way, what is your issue with Wampum?
LITOWITZ: Rumor has it that county Treasurer Gary F. Felasco once visited Wampum.
MICCO: And that makes Wampum a bad place?
LITOWITZ: You’ve heard the saying — “Where Felasco goes, chaos flows.” Or something like that. Actually, the saying is, “Where Felasco goes, the county’s finances head to ruin. Everyone starts fighting. Morals go down the drain ...”
MICCO: I get it. I get it. You’re an idiot.
LITOWITZ: And you have Mr. Felasco to thank for that. Once again, we have to help the county think of a way to make some quick cash.
MICCO: Are we finished with the clock tower yet? I think we all know the time by now.
LITOWITZ: We suggested that once before and no one listened. Ditto for the cookie sale idea.
MICCO: How about selling some courthouse stuff on eBay? You know, auction off old gavels and furniture.
LITOWITZ: Now that you mention it, I noticed the lunchroom had at least five couches in it, along with seven tables and plenty of chairs. There’s nothing in the county code that says employees need to sit or have a table on their lunch break.
MICCO: And there’s nothing in the county code that says they should give up their work days for free. Can’t we take Felasco’s salary back? He’s not showing up for work, yet he’s still getting paid. I think I’m going to run for county treasurer. It’s not as if I have to be good at math.
LITOWITZ: Just because you’re elected doesn’t mean you have to work. The current commissioners don’t fit that bill, though. The problem is they always seem to be running around trying to get budget information that no one wants to provide.
MICCO: I believe that’s called the Bureaucratic Red Tape Shuffle.
LITOWITZ: I’ve always been a fan of the Curly Shuffle. Woo, woo, woo. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
MICCO: Oh, so you already are a fan of the Three Stooges? Of course, that’s not to be confused with the Three Commissioners.
LITOWITZ: (Poking Micco in the eyes and whacking her over the head with a sledgehammer.) Hey, wasn’t Mo’s last name Money? You know, Mo Money. That’s exactly what the county needs.
MICCO: It was Howard, you numbskull. And Larry’s last name was Fine. Something that should be levied against you for writing this pablum. It’s downright scary.
LITOWITZ: Hey, Lisa. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
MICCO: Oh, I don’t know. What?
LITOWITZ: Frostbite.
MICCO: I want my mummy! There’s a big, fat, hairy monster and ... oh, it’s you, Litowitz.
LITOWITZ: Witch.
Copyright (c) 2004, New Castle News
and Lisa Micco
The fine folks at the Lawrence County Government Center seem to be celebrating Halloween a little earlier than usual. Three crazed men roam the halls wielding budget axes. Then there’s that skeleton in the closet, “Bare Bones,” threatening to take away jobs.
Mystic Mary Ann haunts the lower level of the center. “The future is uncertain! The future is uncertain!” she screams.
And, finally, the treasurer’s office is home to The Invisible Man, who shows himself only to the department’s solicitor.
Did we mention the Felasco Fiasco Budget Exhibit? It’s for mature audiences only.
Yes, all very frightening indeed.
Oh, but wait, no one’s passing out treats. The mood is anything but festive. Alas, gloom and doom are the order of the day.
Then again, a $1 million-plus deficit will do that to you. As the county scraps for money, the commissioners are warning that layoffs will take place.
“I think we need to reduce the number of people in the courthouse permanently,” Commissioner Ed Fosnaught says.
If you’re looking for a miracle, remember Christmas is around the corner.
Speaking of a scary sight and things that go bump in the night, let’s introduce you to New Castle News editors Pat Litowitz and Lisa Micco, who need no masks to scare the masses. Join our hellacious pair as they discuss “Trick or Treat! You’re Fired!” or “Red Rover! Red Rover! Send a Million Dollars Right Over!”
LITOWITZ: Do I look fat?
MICCO: What are you talking about?
LITOWITZ: I was thinking of going on the County Diet Plan. It’s where you say you’re going to lose weight, feel good about yourself, but don’t actually have to diet.
MICCO: Oooo. Where do I sign up? Sounds like my kind of diet.
LITOWITZ: Just don’t give your money to the treasurer’s department. God only knows where it goes. Actually, He doesn’t know either. Keeps muttering something about the bowels of Hell.
MICCO: Doesn’t the county have to account for its money?
(Burst of laughter ensues.)
LITOWITZ (wiping tears from eyes): Stop it! Stop it! I can’t breathe!
MICCO: Oh, wait! How about providing matching funds for county projects? You know, Millennium Park.
LITOWITZ: Yeah, Lawrence County is the only place where you can lose $11 million in funding and call it a good thing.
MICCO: Doesn’t Martha Stewart say that? And look where she is.
LITOWITZ: Wampum?
MICCO: No, in prison.
LITOWITZ: Like I said, Wampum.
MICCO: She’s in minimum security. Wouldn’t Wampum be considered maximum? By the way, what is your issue with Wampum?
LITOWITZ: Rumor has it that county Treasurer Gary F. Felasco once visited Wampum.
MICCO: And that makes Wampum a bad place?
LITOWITZ: You’ve heard the saying — “Where Felasco goes, chaos flows.” Or something like that. Actually, the saying is, “Where Felasco goes, the county’s finances head to ruin. Everyone starts fighting. Morals go down the drain ...”
MICCO: I get it. I get it. You’re an idiot.
LITOWITZ: And you have Mr. Felasco to thank for that. Once again, we have to help the county think of a way to make some quick cash.
MICCO: Are we finished with the clock tower yet? I think we all know the time by now.
LITOWITZ: We suggested that once before and no one listened. Ditto for the cookie sale idea.
MICCO: How about selling some courthouse stuff on eBay? You know, auction off old gavels and furniture.
LITOWITZ: Now that you mention it, I noticed the lunchroom had at least five couches in it, along with seven tables and plenty of chairs. There’s nothing in the county code that says employees need to sit or have a table on their lunch break.
MICCO: And there’s nothing in the county code that says they should give up their work days for free. Can’t we take Felasco’s salary back? He’s not showing up for work, yet he’s still getting paid. I think I’m going to run for county treasurer. It’s not as if I have to be good at math.
LITOWITZ: Just because you’re elected doesn’t mean you have to work. The current commissioners don’t fit that bill, though. The problem is they always seem to be running around trying to get budget information that no one wants to provide.
MICCO: I believe that’s called the Bureaucratic Red Tape Shuffle.
LITOWITZ: I’ve always been a fan of the Curly Shuffle. Woo, woo, woo. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
MICCO: Oh, so you already are a fan of the Three Stooges? Of course, that’s not to be confused with the Three Commissioners.
LITOWITZ: (Poking Micco in the eyes and whacking her over the head with a sledgehammer.) Hey, wasn’t Mo’s last name Money? You know, Mo Money. That’s exactly what the county needs.
MICCO: It was Howard, you numbskull. And Larry’s last name was Fine. Something that should be levied against you for writing this pablum. It’s downright scary.
LITOWITZ: Hey, Lisa. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
MICCO: Oh, I don’t know. What?
LITOWITZ: Frostbite.
MICCO: I want my mummy! There’s a big, fat, hairy monster and ... oh, it’s you, Litowitz.
LITOWITZ: Witch.
Copyright (c) 2004, New Castle News
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