HE SAID, SHE SAID: County officials begin Halloween festivities

Pat Litowitz
and Lisa Micco

The fine folks at the Lawrence County Government Center seem to be celebrating Halloween a little earlier than usual. Three crazed men roam the halls wielding budget axes. Then there’s that skeleton in the closet, “Bare Bones,” threatening to take away jobs.

Mystic Mary Ann haunts the lower level of the center. “The future is uncertain! The future is uncertain!” she screams.

And, finally, the treasurer’s office is home to The Invisible Man, who shows himself only to the department’s solicitor.

Did we mention the Felasco Fiasco Budget Exhibit? It’s for mature audiences only.

Yes, all very frightening indeed.

Oh, but wait, no one’s passing out treats. The mood is anything but festive. Alas, gloom and doom are the order of the day.

Then again, a $1 million-plus deficit will do that to you. As the county scraps for money, the commissioners are warning that layoffs will take place.

“I think we need to reduce the number of people in the courthouse permanently,” Commissioner Ed Fosnaught says.

If you’re looking for a miracle, remember Christmas is around the corner.

Speaking of a scary sight and things that go bump in the night, let’s introduce you to New Castle News editors Pat Litowitz and Lisa Micco, who need no masks to scare the masses. Join our hellacious pair as they discuss “Trick or Treat! You’re Fired!” or “Red Rover! Red Rover! Send a Million Dollars Right Over!”

LITOWITZ: Do I look fat?

MICCO: What are you talking about?

LITOWITZ: I was thinking of going on the County Diet Plan. It’s where you say you’re going to lose weight, feel good about yourself, but don’t actually have to diet.

MICCO: Oooo. Where do I sign up? Sounds like my kind of diet.

LITOWITZ: Just don’t give your money to the treasurer’s department. God only knows where it goes. Actually, He doesn’t know either. Keeps muttering something about the bowels of Hell.

MICCO: Doesn’t the county have to account for its money?

(Burst of laughter ensues.)

LITOWITZ (wiping tears from eyes): Stop it! Stop it! I can’t breathe!

MICCO: Oh, wait! How about providing matching funds for county projects? You know, Millennium Park.

LITOWITZ: Yeah, Lawrence County is the only place where you can lose $11 million in funding and call it a good thing.

MICCO: Doesn’t Martha Stewart say that? And look where she is.

LITOWITZ: Wampum?

MICCO: No, in prison.

LITOWITZ: Like I said, Wampum.

MICCO: She’s in minimum security. Wouldn’t Wampum be considered maximum? By the way, what is your issue with Wampum?

LITOWITZ: Rumor has it that county Treasurer Gary F. Felasco once visited Wampum.

MICCO: And that makes Wampum a bad place?

LITOWITZ: You’ve heard the saying — “Where Felasco goes, chaos flows.” Or something like that. Actually, the saying is, “Where Felasco goes, the county’s finances head to ruin. Everyone starts fighting. Morals go down the drain ...”

MICCO: I get it. I get it. You’re an idiot.

LITOWITZ: And you have Mr. Felasco to thank for that. Once again, we have to help the county think of a way to make some quick cash.

MICCO: Are we finished with the clock tower yet? I think we all know the time by now.

LITOWITZ: We suggested that once before and no one listened. Ditto for the cookie sale idea.

MICCO: How about selling some courthouse stuff on eBay? You know, auction off old gavels and furniture.

LITOWITZ: Now that you mention it, I noticed the lunchroom had at least five couches in it, along with seven tables and plenty of chairs. There’s nothing in the county code that says employees need to sit or have a table on their lunch break.

MICCO: And there’s nothing in the county code that says they should give up their work days for free. Can’t we take Felasco’s salary back? He’s not showing up for work, yet he’s still getting paid. I think I’m going to run for county treasurer. It’s not as if I have to be good at math.

LITOWITZ: Just because you’re elected doesn’t mean you have to work. The current commissioners don’t fit that bill, though. The problem is they always seem to be running around trying to get budget information that no one wants to provide.

MICCO: I believe that’s called the Bureaucratic Red Tape Shuffle.

LITOWITZ: I’ve always been a fan of the Curly Shuffle. Woo, woo, woo. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

MICCO: Oh, so you already are a fan of the Three Stooges? Of course, that’s not to be confused with the Three Commissioners.

LITOWITZ: (Poking Micco in the eyes and whacking her over the head with a sledgehammer.) Hey, wasn’t Mo’s last name Money? You know, Mo Money. That’s exactly what the county needs.

MICCO: It was Howard, you numbskull. And Larry’s last name was Fine. Something that should be levied against you for writing this pablum. It’s downright scary.

LITOWITZ: Hey, Lisa. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

MICCO: Oh, I don’t know. What?

LITOWITZ: Frostbite.

MICCO: I want my mummy! There’s a big, fat, hairy monster and ... oh, it’s you, Litowitz.

LITOWITZ: Witch.

Copyright (c) 2004, New Castle News