He Said, She Said: New Castle hookers and Barbie’s Bling Bling

August 19, 2006

By Pat Litowitz and Lisa Micco
New Castle News

Pop quiz.

Female, not a day over the age of 19, clad in a glitter halter top, micro miniskirt and high-heeled boots. Slathered in so much makeup that Tammy Faye Bakker Messner looks like a plain Jane in comparison.

Who — or what — is being described?

Is it:

A: Porn star Jenna Jameson?

B: A parent’s worst nightmare?

C: One of New Castle’s ... e-r-r-r ... finest, hanging out on the South Side?

D: None of the above.

Score one point if you answered “none of the above,” and add another two points to your score if you filled in the blank and answered “Barbie.”

Yes. That’s correct, Barbie. Mattel’s cash cow, who, for more than 40 years, has been making young girls all over the world feel inadequate has gone another step farther, emulating some of the less — ahem — flattering characteristics of such real-life celebutantes such as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.

Speaking of wannabe D-list celebrities, meet New Castle News staffers Lisa Micco and Pat Litowitz. Join our less-than-wholesome pair as they venture into the seedy world of children’s toys and discuss “Barbies Gone Wild” or “Streetwalker Barbie — Batteries Not Included.”

MICCO: Imagine my dismay when my 4-year-old daughter had a meltdown in a toy store over My Bling Bling Barbie. (Technically, the line is an offshoot of Barbie, called My Scene. The dolls are taller and their heads are giant, kinda like something you’d find on Easter Island.)

The doll comes with all the bling bling accessories that make young girls glaze over in glitter — purses, faux fur wrap, belly button ring, dangling earrings, sunglasses, the works. A “diamond” flower ring is included just for the child. Of course, my daughter was attracted to all the glitz. While I cringed at the $20 price tag, knowing the doll will eventually end up stripped naked and jammed in an Easy Bake Oven, Hayley happily skipped through the store clutching her doll. When I saw the exact same dolls marked down to $8 on a clearance shelf, I had to pry the one out of my daughter’s arms to replace it with the one with the sale sticker on it. (That’s just to avoid confusion at the cash register.)

I tell you all this because I’m trying to justify why I bought this in the first place.

First of all, I’m not a prude. Secondly, I like sequins and shiny things, too. With that said, I have to admit I was quite shocked at the My Bling Bling doll once she was out of her plastic case. Sure, I already saw the miniskirt that barely covers her plastic buttocks and the skimpy halter top that conveniently keeps coming undone.

It was what was underneath that rocked me. Not only did she have on a thong — hello? a thong — but her chest had glittery smudges strategically placed over two delicate areas. Perhaps they were there in case of a wardrobe malfunction, I don’t know.

My husband took one look at it and asked, “What’s up with the new Crack Ho Barbie?” I guess that says it all.

LITOWITZ: “I like sequins and shiny things.”

That, dear friends, captures the essence and beauty of Mrs. Micco. No higher thought processes in play here. No, siree.

Guess what I’ll be buying her for Christmas? That’s right — The Bedazzler! Lisa will be amused through the Fourth of July.

And here’s a sneak peek at the rest of Lisa’s gift list: aluminum foil, tinsel, Lite-Brite, tiara and one-piece majorette outfit.

Just a thought, Lisa, but who’s the parent here? Don’t be getting on Mattel’s crap for producing a doll based on New Castle hookers. That’s the marketplace in action.

Ya know, you didn’t have to buy it. You could have said, “No.”

My parents did and look how I turned out.

“No, you can’t have the Six-Million-Dollar-Man with engine-lifting bionic arm.”

“No, you have to stay home and baby-sit your sisters.”

“No, you can’t drive until you’re 18.”

“No, you do not have our permission to marry Becky.”

Sure, I’m bitter. But years of therapy have helped me to misdirect my anger toward Micco. And aren’t we all better for it?

MICCO: This explains so much. Memories of your youth take us to a dark and scary place.

So, when you’re on the rooftop of The News with a Tech-9, babbling incoherently, it’s safe to assume it’s because you didn’t get the Six-Million-Dollar-Man doll? (That’s too bad. He was so cool, too. He came with a red jogging suit and this really neat plastic “circuit board” you could pop out of his left arm. Your parents really messed up by not getting you Col. Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster ...)

I also can hum the theme song to “S.W.A.T.”

But I digress.

See, I love my daughter. So when she wants something, I try to get it for her without going overboard and spoiling her. Obviously, your parents didn’t love you enough to get you your “man doll.”

But back to the issue at hand. When did Barbie and those of her ilk quit their day jobs and became hookers? When I was young, I got “Growing Up Skipper” for Christmas. Barbie’s younger sister was quite the controversy back in the 1970s. With a crank of her arm, she went from a child to a teen. Her body extended to a thinner waist and she sprouted little plastic breasts. (Ah, if growing them were that easy with a crank of an arm. Women would be windmilling their arms a la Pete Townshend all over the place.)

Sure, I’m guilty. I’m the parent. I bought the doll. I’m wiser for it now, but the question is how much is enough? What’s next? PMS Barbie? She’ll come equipped with a box of Midol and a cranky disposition. Of course, the Ken doll won’t be included. He’s at the bar.

LITOWITZ: So what you’re saying is, we can measure the love you have for your daughter based on the price and number of toys you buy her.

What does it say about you when you rip a $20 doll from your daughter’s hands and replace it with the same doll that is reduced to $8? That you love her ... but just a little less?

Can’t wait until Hayley becomes a teen. Will you be taking out a second mortgage?

By the way, I’m not touching your Pete Townshend breast-growing comment.

MICCO: I’d like to think I love her just as much, but at a fraction of the price. Anyway, should we be using the same standard of comparison for you? Can we measure the love of your parents by what they got you?

Now, what would that be? Ah yes, baby-sitting duties and the empty promises of a “man doll.”

LITOWITZ: Oh, I eventually got the Six-Million-Dollar-Man doll. My aunt bought it for my birthday.

Sure, it was fun. But, how I cherished my Farrah Fawcett poster.

Guess Mom and Dad loved me after all.


(He Said/She Said is written by New Castle News staffers Lisa Micco, design editor, and Pat Litowitz, investigative reporter. Last week, their column registered more than 500 hits on the Internet. Woo woo!)